im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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