with your own penis?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
