YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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