Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
