i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
