i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
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