i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
