I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
