Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
