you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
you will always have a special place in my vag
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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