I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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