I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
