had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
There was a lot of him and a little penis
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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