it's too hot outside to masturbate.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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