My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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