Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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