i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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