you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Sorry about my life...
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
