Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
