508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
