i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
