I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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