Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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