Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
