listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
