Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
