People in love make me want to vomit
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
