No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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