Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Randomize
