I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You were trust falling into bushes
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
