Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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