how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
