i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
