I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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