Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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