what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
