I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
