That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
