So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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