I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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