Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
