you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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