Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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