My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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