If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
