Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize