found the other keg... it's in the tree
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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