you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
