i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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