There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
