I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
