I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
two words: eviction party
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
