Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
