I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I want you more than these girls want KFC
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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