No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize