i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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