By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
