sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
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