I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Randomize
