A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
