my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
