Kiss
Puke
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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