I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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