My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize