party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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