Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
