i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
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