i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize
